


Secrets

by Wynhaught_trash



Category: Glee
Genre: F/F, Sad, Sad Santana, Self Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, im sorry, mentions no detail
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-06
Updated: 2019-09-13
Packaged: 2020-10-11 09:34:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,669
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20543972
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wynhaught_trash/pseuds/Wynhaught_trash
Summary: Santana Lopez is seen to everyone as this bad ass, confident bitch who takes no shit from nobody.Except,What if that’s a lie? What if she just has a really great mask?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Tw: mentions of self harm and suicide, I don’t go into details on either but just a warning anyway!

Every highschool kid has something to hide, even Kurt hummel. Mostly it's crushes or cheating, but for Santana, it was something much much darker. Not even Brittany knows, well, not everything at least.

You see, while Santana likes to come off as though she has self confidence, it’s all completely fake. Truth is, she was sad all the time, some would say depressed. She didn’t have a childhood, her parents are never home, and nobody really cares about her.

Except for Brittany.

Santana tried so hard to build a persona where no one wanted to be close to her, yet that bubbly little blonde nudged her way through it. They met in kindergarten, when Santana sat alone, starving without lunch and wearing clothes one size too big. Brittany came over to her immediately, splitting her PB & J and a cookie with her, talking happily about unicorns.

Santana was by no means poor, her parents just cared more about having a career than about her. They never took the time to know what size she was in clothes or what she liked, hell they always forgot to leave her anything for lunch.

But hey, she got over it. She made herself lunch, and after easily convincing her parents to give her a credit card, bought her own clothes. It was a dream for a lot of people to be able to buy anything they wanted, but Santana only wanted one thing.

Her parents to love her.

Or at least she did, she’s grown to hate her parents. She’s normally glad when they’re gone, so she doesn’t have to look at their faces and feel anger and sadness. Sometimes she just wants to scream in their face, ask them why they bothered keeping her if she was such a waste of space to them.

She hated herself too. Why wasn’t she good enough? What was wrong with her? So yeah, she’s a bitch to everyone, but if you’re going to end up alone, why not make that happen yourself?

Brittany has picked up on how sad Santana really is, I mean she did used to cry during their sleepovers as kids A LOT. But even recently, when they’re alone together and Santana feels the most vulnerable, her mask slips and so much sadness pours from her eyes for just a moment.

But it’s enough for Brittany to see, and Brittany always sees it. People really don’t give her enough credit.

But even Brittany doesn’t know of Santana’s biggest secret. Since the age of 13, Santana began to let out the frustration on herself. That’s right, she would cut herself. She just wanted to feel something, anything. 

When she joined the cheerios she had to get creative, she even convinced Puck to let her keep her nightie on when they used to have sex. She had a lot of scars, if you looked really close enough you would see them on her thighs, and even her arms from years ago. 

She thinks about killing herself a lot. 

It would be so easy, there’s only one person who would miss her, and everyone loves Brittany, they would help her heal. It wouldn’t take much. Maybe someday, someday soon. Each day gets harder and harder and hell, she doesn’t know if she’ll make it.

\---------

She quit the cheerios. 

It was the right decision, glee or cheerios. She just didn’t realise how bad mentally it would be. Without all that exercise and time being taken up, all she does now is think. Or overthink. 

She started to cut her arms again, because who cares right? It’s Ohio and it’s cold. Wearing sweaters or hoodies won't look too weird.

\--------

She’s been having a really shitty day. 

She realised that she’s in love with her best friend. Why Brittany? Why the only person who cares about her? She keeps messing everything up. Santana knows that Brittany likes both men and women, but that doesn’t mean she likes her in that way.

Being gay?

She sees all the shit Kurt goes through everyday just for walking down the hallway. She can’t do this. She feels so ashamed.

Santana decides to head to the nearest bathroom, crashing through the door and running into the stall, locking it quickly. Sitting on the toilet seat, she can’t help but let out the heavy sobs she was trying to hold in. Thankfully the room was empty.

She digs her hand into the pocket of her jeans, taking out her blade. She cries again, pulling up her sleeve. She’s admittedly never done this in school before, but she can’t stop herself.

When she’s done, she quickly wraps her arm, her sobs turning to soft cries. She doesn’t hear the main door open and close.

“Hello? Are you alright in there?” Comes a soft voice.

Santana freezes when she realises that the voice belongs to the one and only Rachel Berry. Standing up, she quickly flushes the toilet, exiting the stall and heading straight for the sink. 

“Santana?” Rachel says unsure.

“Leave me alone Rachel.” Santana says quietly, grabbing a paper towel and drying her hands before leaving quickly.

\---------

“I don’t want to go home, wanna go for an adventure?” Santana says softly.

“Of course Sannie I love going on adventures with you.” Brittany responds with a massive grin.

Santana feels herself smiling back.

They drive for about 40 minutes before arriving at a drive in movie theatre. Santana watches Brittanys eyes light up as she sees they’re playing her favourite movie, Wall-E. Brittany takes Santanas hand softly, still grinning wide.

Santana opens the glove compartment, pulling out an array of junk food for them to feast on. Brittany squeals, letting go of the latinas hand to grab a couple different things and plopping it into her lap. 

As the movie starts, Santana just watches the blondes face with a sad smile. She stares at the way her expression changes with each new change in the movie. She was so beautiful. This was the best way to say goodbye. 

The best way to spend her last day.

Not long into the movie and Brittany was already cuddled up into Santanas arms. The brunnette can only hold her close, kissing the top of her head a couple times and stroking her back slowly.

“I love you Britt.” Santana says softly.

“I love you too Sannie” Brittany responds just as softly, shoving reeces pieces in to her mouth right after.

She really meant it.

\--------

Santana stood in her room, glancing around the dull, barren space. She picks up her blade, just as tears began to fall from her eyes. Soon she’s sobbing heavily. All she can think about is how much of a burden she is, how everyone is better off without her, even Brittany.

Her own parents don’t want her.

No one likes you, do it, do it you coward.

And so she did,

And eventually everything fades to black.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The after math.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also please note that for this story, brittana never had a casual sex or “sweet lady kisses” thing going, they where strictly super cuddly best friends

It was almost like in slow motion for Brittany. Her phone fell from her hand after the words echoed to her really sank in.

She remembered Santana explaining to her what an emergency contact was, and how she had put the blonde down as her own, considering her parents are not in the picture.

She never thought she would get a call like this.

Everyone in glee had a free period first on a Friday, so being nice mr schue had decided they would meet then instead of after school.

That’s where she was when she saw the odd number flash up on her screen. She was admittedly worried about Santana. After their amazing time at the drive in, the Latina seemed extremely sad and reluctant to let her go.

Not that she was complaining, her best friends hugs where the best.

But when she didn’t show up today or answer any of her texts, she was worried that the girl was sick.

She went outside to take the call, feeling something in her gut telling her not to ignore it. 

She felt numb.

She eventually bent down to grab her phone, not even checking if it was smashed before turning and walking back into the choir room.

She must have looked bad because Rachel, who was currently singing a ballad, immediately stops as she looks at Brittany.

“Brittany what’s wrong?” Mr schue asks concerned.

“It’s Santana. Someone needs to drive me to the hospital.” Brittany says quietly, eyes tearing up.

“What?! What happened to her?” Quinn asks, standing up.

“S-she tried to kill herself.” 

Everything was quiet, until it wasn’t. Brittany was crying, so where a couple other members, or close to it. Quinn ran to Brittany’s side, telling the blonde that she would drive.

———-

Everyone came along, Mr schue made sure to text Emma what was going on so that the kids could be excused.

The waiting room was the worst part.

Nobody would confirm that Santana was okay, that she was alive. Brittany ended up shouting at the last nurse who told her she needed to wait.

Everyone was shocked, they never knew Brittany even had that in her to be that way. It didn’t last long, and the nurse didn’t take it to heart, watching sympathetically as the blonde breaks down seconds later.

There wasn’t a dry eye in the place, everyone was either weeping, silently crying, or barely hanging in their tears.

Santana was a bitch but they all loved her. She’s family. Besides, they all knew it was all just a mask anyway.

“I feel so responsible.” Rachel says through her weeping.

“Rach, you couldn’t have known.” Finn says softly.

“I heard her crying in the bathroom a couple days ago, she looked so sad and ran off and I didn’t do anything.” Rachel responded sullenly.

“None of us knew she was feeling like this.” Quinn voice cracks.

“Exactly. None of us saw this, none of us where there!” Brittany finally speaks up angrily.

It was silent after that.

———-

What felt like hours later, a doctor finally approached the group.

“Are you here for Santana Lopez?” She asks kindly.

“Yeah, I’m her emergency contact Brittany. How is she?” Brittany says desperately, jumping out of her seat.

“It was really touch and go, she arrived last night and we didn’t think she would make it, but she should be fine.” The doctor speaks carefully.

“Thank god.” Brittany cries, gripping Quinn’s hand.

“We lost her a couple times and had to shock her back, she lost a whole lot of blood making her heart give out. She will be in a lot of pain.” The doctor warns gently.

“Can we see her?” Brittany asks softly.

“Of course, she hasn’t woken up yet.” The doctor responds, walking off after telling them the room number.

Mr schue hangs back, calling Emma to update her on everything. Everyone else files into the reasonably sized room, gasping at the sight.

Santana was still asleep, wearing a short sleeved gown. She had two long bandages covering both her wrists and parts of her forearm. They could also see fresh healed cuts above the bandages.

“Oh my god.” Rachel whispers, silently crying again.

Brittany moves to Santana’s side instantly, taking a seat. She grasps her right hand gently, using the other to stroke through her hair the way she likes.

“I’m so sorry Sannie.” Brittany breathes sadly, looking at the damage done to her best friends body.

The rest of the club hang back, closely watching and Santana starts reacting to Brittany’s touch.

Santana blinks her eyes open, everything is white and for a second she thinks she’s actually dead. Blinking a couple times, she immediately sees Brittany’s face, and she’s never seen it look so sad.

“Britt?” Santana croaks out.

“I’m here.” Brittany whispers softly.

Santana groggily looks around, seeing everyone from glee watching her like a hawk. She then glances down at the white bed, eyes widening as she sees her arms.

Trying to sit up abruptly, Santana winces in pain.

“Woah, be careful sweetie.” Brittany responds, a gentle hand on her shoulder to stop her.

“Ow.” Santana mutters, pulling the sheets above her chest and covering her arms from all the eyes on her.

“I thought that I lost you.” Brittany testily responds.

Santana didn’t respond at this, but a pained look appeared in her eyes.

“Why?” Brittany asked, tears falling quickly now.

Santana could see no judgement or malice, just sadness. Biting her lip to try to stop her own tears, Santana sighed.

“I just couldn’t take it anymore.” Santana whispered, ignoring the tears hotly running down her cheeks.

“Take what?” Brittany whispered back.

“Everything.” Was the broken reply.

“I vaguely remember it but I know one of the maids found me, I know she called my parents, but do you see them?” Santana says, voice cracking as she cries.

“I’m so sorry.” Brittany responds mournfully, stroking her hand through dark locks once more.

“What are you guys even doing here?” Santana asks defensively, momentarily forgetting they were there.

“We care about you S.” Quinn spoke up.

Santana could only scoff as she watches the rest of them nod to Quinn’s words. They didn’t care.

“You don’t care, you hate me.” Santana responds mournfully.

“We don’t hate you. We love you. You’re family.” Rachel said strongly, despite the hot tears running down her face.

“We’re sorry we made you feel that way, we’re sorry you didn’t think you could come talk to us about how you were feeling.” Kurt pipes up, guilt written on his face.

“It’s okay, I didn’t exactly make it easy.” Santana responded.

“Can we have a sec alone guys?” Brittany asks suddenly.

Everyone nods, slowly leaving, but promising that they would be outside. Brittany moves closer to Santana.

“I’m sorry you couldn’t talk to me, I wasn’t being a good friend.” Brittany says, completely heartbroken.

“No Brit it’s not that, I wanted to talk to you, I just didn’t want to burden you.” Santana responds, bringing her hand to stroke Brittany’s cheek.

“You could never, I love you too much.” Brittany responds lightly, leaning her face into the touch.

Santana smiles, it’s small and barely there but it makes Brittany’s heart soar. She thought she might never see that smile again.

“You really scared me Santana, I don’t know what I would do without you. And don’t say I would be fine, because I know I wouldn’t be.” Brittany says the end part quickly.

“And how do you know that?” Santana asks gently.

“Because you’re a part of my heart Sannie, if I lost you I’d lose a big chunk of it, I couldn’t be me again.” Brittany responds honestly.

“I love you so much Brittany.” Santana responds emotionally.

“I love you too.”

“No I mean I love you love you, as more than best friends.” Santana responds nervously.

“I love you love you too.” Brittany responds with a smile.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

Santana smiles again, a little bigger this time. She watches as Brittany leans across and kisses her softly on the lips.

It was everything Santana hoped it would be, tender and soft, loving and sweet.

“When you can leave this place you’re living with me. I know that my parents will help you get the help that you need. They love you too.” Brittany responds softly.

“You’re amazing, you know that right?” Santana responds just as soft, knowing there was no arguing with Brittany on the subject.

“I just want you to be happy, and not like in a relationship happy, I mean really happy. I wanna grow old with you and watch you become an even more amazing person. I know that you can get there someday with a little help.” Brittany responds seriously.

“You’re a genius, you know that right?” Santana responds lovingly.

Brittany only scrunches her nose up in the cute way Santana loves, leaning in again to kiss her softly.

Santana slowly realises that she’s glad her attempt didn’t work. Feeling this, she finally feels something she never thought she would feel.

Hope.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please comment your thoughts!

**Author's Note:**

> Please tell me your thoughts! I was thinking about continuing this into a two shot ? what do you think?


End file.
